Ever had one of these days?

(ya, me neither)

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GO!

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Go on!

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Get gone!

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Gett'er done!

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"Get off your lazy ass and just do something already!"

-my summary.

Where art my first love? Come back to thee...

It doesn't matter what leads people away from God's life. Anything will do, as long as it preoccupies them enough to serve as an adequate substitute for the real thing.

It’s easier to see the problem when the standard is circumcision in Ephesus than when it is Sunday morning attendance in Kingston. But both can lead to the same place—bored and disillusioned believers, no longer embracing Father’s life.

When you realize that the routine you’ve stumbled into is not substantially contributing to your desire to know God better, some incredible things can happen.

Just be real with Father and resist the urges to crawl back into your shell and silently endure lifelessness. Your struggle stems from the call of God’s Spirit to your own. Ask him to forgive you for substituting anything for the power of his love and invite him to show you how your diligent efforts at good works for him may be obscuring his love for you. Let God do the rest. He will draw you to himself.

Won’t it be a joy again to wake up confident about being loved by God every day, without having to earn it by any act of righteousness on your part? That is the secret to first love. Don’t try to earn it. Know that you are accepted and loved, not for what you can do for God, or somehow hoping that you will be worthy of his acceptance, but because his greatest desire is to have you as one of his children. Jesus came to remove any obstacle that would prevent that from happening.

In this kingdom you really do get what you seek. That is the point of the whole thing. If you are looking for a relationship with God you will find it.

If you look at what you’ve ended up with, then you’ll know what you’ve really been seeking!

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(Excerpts from "http://www.jakecolsen.com/JakeStory.pdf")

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Interestingly enough it amazes me how easily distracted we can become. What things and even people can occupy our time. I'm challenged lately with this thought: What is consuming your time? That is what will consume your heart! Oddly and ironically it is this that I find myself most frequently pondering, almost consuming my thoughts.

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My intentions are often well-being. Read, study, meditate and journal. Go to the gym, eat well, and live healthy. Call, write, and visit loved ones. Yet, my intentions remain just that intentions... how is it that I successfully and continually fail at these things? I often start out strong and then plummet. My endurance diminutive.

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I have learned there is but no other option then to get up when you fall! I often fall short of my own expectations, though I am quickening the speed at which I stand to my feet again. Learning to accept forgiveness and grace while attempting to extend it to the same measures I find myself receiving.

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I am finding a new joy within my life, reuniting with a lost loved one, and learning to love again! Love Him, myself, others and Life! It is a most enjoyable and unique experience not without its moments of trials and temptations. Though if you know me well, you know the depth of impact this statement alone means!

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I confess I feel as though I walk as a child at times: almost experiencing everything anew or at least 'differently'. Questions galore of course (some things never change) but with a deep sense of acceptance of the mystery that encompasses all!

The reuion was in sight, moments away in fact. I pulled up with hesitation as I saw her standing at my door. There was no way out now, no excuses to be given, the time had arrived. I wanted to linger a bit longer in the vehicle, unfortunately the beater upon which I'd borrowed left me almost sick from the stench within - facing the stench of my life that had been and would soon be confessed or would it be masked with fake greetings and shallow discussions. Closing the door behind me almost appeared as a metaphor for closing the door on the past and embracing the present and future that stood before me.

Moments later I had almost forgotten how long it had been since we last connected. Hours later it dawned on me how much time had actually passed since our last face to face connection and I sat there oblivious to my facial expression of utter shock. It had felt like yesterday, even through the brief synopsis of years gone by. A few hours later baring the depth of hearts compiled with both seasons of joy and seasons of death... a few revelations hit my soul. Watching her leave the next day, my heart grew heavy with shame for not staying in closer contact, and ironically with a deep sensation of pride. I was proud to call her my friend, I was proud she could call me friend. We were friends regardless of time and circumstances.

I sit here several hours after her departure contemplative...

I have another friend, whom over so many years and so many miles between us, each moment we are actually together feels like a mere continuation of the last. I have always chuckled within at the friendship... I can't say I was overly fond of her upon our first meeting. I can't say we've been given the opportunity to spend any great length together in the same city. I was either away when she was home, or she was away when I was home. Neither of us really phone people, and I - horrible at making contact. Yet still: I am proud to call her my friend and to be known as hers.

One more notable mention of a close friend; often mistaken for a sister. Considered one from both sides. Randomness of crossing paths with quick one-liners and sharp humor based harrassment was the courting of a friendship that I never guess would prevail so strong and long. A friend close with rare seperation of time that can often be the seperation itself of neglecting the heart to heart chats because you pass each other so often. They are the ones that are like mirrors - something all women have a love/hate relationship with. Though, still needed and wanted!

True friends are rare... they are the ones that over miles and years the reuniting actually only feels like moments have passed. They are the ones that at the end of the day you know they stand with you, not beside or behind, but 'with'. They are the ones that on those 'road trips' come back with voices hoarse and callous from singing at the top of your lungs. They are the ones that can make you laugh to tears. They are the ones that you know you can always call regardless of circumstance and time. They are the ones that will mirror your life and call you straight up on what they see. They are true friends whom I have found of late to be the greatest of assests that I possess in my life.

My heart lays heavy today with saddness as the shame and guilt compounds upon each other. I have been an awful friend over the years, so self-consumed, so driven for what I didn't possess and thought I needed and wanted. My heart also ironically battles the saddess with utter aweness of what I realized today I actually have. The tears upon this keyboard are so mixed with both emotions running out of control... realizing how not alone I am in this world with my God and the treasures He's really given me.

This has become my canvas of a medium I ascribe no skill to, only a fondess and aspiration for. An artist by no means, but a student only therein. A student who finds her passion growing daily for and not afraid to confess it so.


I continue scribe here in this cyberspace - often finding myself transporting these very words to my journal. The keyboard my pen. This screen my paper. Though there is something remarkably beautiful about physically writing on paper - holding a pen delicately within grasp, caressing the texture of paper it crosses... there is also something to clicking out words almost as fast as they come to mind that seems easier.

I dare to confess that this cyberspace attempt has become a lone journal. I often find myself perusing the sight, but with lack of inspiration or motivation to leave any typed words. Today I read a secret that said "I stopped painting the day you stopped loving me." underneath it an anonymous writer left: "Paint your heartache." Good words anonymous one. "Paint your heartache."

Though I find I am no painter at all, nor come close to even ascribing to be one. I find similarity between the thoughts regarding writing. Writing is something that's precious to me and I find it so delicately connected to my heart. More often then not it is the connection between my spirit and my pen, when one fails to maintain it's part so does the other. When my spirit is dry my pen needs refilling as well.

I confess the writing does not always cease as a result of my spirit, rather some times the simplicity of the busyness of life itself. Though these days my heart and spirit lay sombre and heavy... I need to refill my pen to find motivation to refill the rest.
This was good, ye not by any scholarship standards, but from a mere perspective of processing. Often where people lack I find no lack of paper to listen to my hearts ramblings and musings.

Golden Gate Bridge

(San Francisco)

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An old building on the island of Alcatraz

(San Francisco)

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I love doors... They seem to have so much character. I love character. In buildings, in people... character is intriguing to me.

I wonder what's behind these doors? What 'was' behind this door? (on the left) If the walls could talk, what stories would they choose to share. I want to enter these doors. my curiousity is almost unbearing... I stand staring at them, wondering... what is behind you. The very nature of me loves to explore... I long to explore the depths of the character you hold.

Trying hard to live out my new philosophy of no evaluations/assumptions. In a sense it is almost as though I am teaching myself to be still, listen, observe, ask questions, learn, yes - explore...

...all these thoughts run through my mind

as I stare smirking at these doors

that hold so much character.

"I Love You"

Bratsa Bonifacho

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You - are you.

I - am mee.

You and I - we are so different.

You and I - we really are the same.

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We are from the same suit, both hearts. Yet, you and I are not the same heart. Our souls longings inately the same. Yet, how is it that you and I are so different. We are the same in so many ways - you and I. Yet you aren't me, nor am I you. Amusingly so. Yet who you are inside, that make-up of inner life desires - is very much who the same as I.

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So how is it you have no tolerance for me? How is it I can not seem to understand you. Our battles exist, but strip away your evaluations, your judgements, your preconcieved ideas and STOP. Listen, really hear, see don't view, stop doing just be. And you will see we are very much indeed the same.

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The mystery of man, very much like the mystery of God. Neither can I grasp understanding, but somehow find solace in the mystery. I love you... another mystery unable to be understood - just felt.

(Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco, taken by moi!)

Inspiration can be seen in bridges. What a better analogy of "standing in the gap" then an image of a bridge. What does it really mean to stand in the gap? I ponder this thought lately, as I feel surrounded by circumstances that have really become opportunities to do just that. I work in a field that daily I am challenged to do just this. I am in a community where doing life together finds this a natural occurance. Yet, the natural association of standing in the gap constitutes prayer, it also requires action. That action is sometimes doing something, and other times it is doing nothing.

I find a growing inner awareness of this longing to be a bridge, to be one who stands in the gap, to offer what and who I am as an extension to something more. My words fall short this evening as I try to communicate this new longing...

My God is Green... Mee thinks.

Why is green... green? Why not red or black? Where did these color names even derive from? Regardless... The color green is GREEN... It just is, and is accepted universally. So why is it that God is God, and yet we can not seem to accept that?

Why is it that we attempt over and over again to define Him? Why do we attempt to contain Him within borders drawn with such permanent markers? Or within walls of such hardened cement? Why do we try to put our own clothing on Him and try so hard to tightly pack Him into our little boxes?

How is it that we dare to confess to know this God? and yet tomorrow will find ourselves making contradictory statements to held opinions on varying matters of His matters and ways? Why is it that we make such bold and profound statements regarding our belief system and will hold to it regardless of proven true or not? Fighting to hold onto preconceived notions and ideas of past? What is so scary about the revelation of truths?

These questions make me think of the color Green. Sure the color green is made up of varying mixtures of yellow and blue, however, regardless the shade... it remains green. So too is the Being of God... God is God... though very much made up of varying characteristics and virtues. We confess to know this God, and perhaps a better confession would be to say we are getting to know God or we know aspects of God.

We attempt over and over again to define Him emphasizing certain subcategories in which only creates borders and walls. Borders and walls... that in time... the earnest heart will find those preconceived ideas and notions shattering. Yet, the shattering of those pieces should bring a sense of liberation and freedom... knowing within that there is so much more to learn and know, that maybe He is just that Grande and Divine.

There is this mystery surrounding God and I wonder if we'll ever fully know or understand all of who God is. Accepting the mystery of God brings almost a sense of relief; that He is just that Grande that man alone cannot even contain Him within borders, walls or boxes. That maybe its not about all these rules and regulations and living up to expectations... that maybe its just the exploration and being real (honest, vulnerable and willing to allow change) with what truths are revealed amidst it all.

I'm reminded of a favorite quote of mine;
"My aim is not to be consistent with my previous statement on a given question, but to be consistent with the truth as it may present itself to me at a given moment. The result is that I have grown from truth to truth..." (Gandhi)

Maybe its time to just be... throwing out preconceived notions or ideas, erase the boreder, tear down the walls, destroy the box... maybe there something we haven't 'got' that is by far more beautiful then trying to live within these parameters we want in an attempt to create peace, safety and happiness.

In the midst of being - destroying the boundaries that are in reality keeping us bound from fully experiencing life. In the midst of being - opening our minds, eyes and hearts to the possibilities of change. In the midst of being - accepting that life wasn't necessarily meant to be full of happiness that in fact; Happiness is not Joy.

Maybe its time to live Green.... accepting it for Green, but knowing that there is so much more to it then we'll ever really see. Today this God I genuinely and soul wrenching am desperate to know is seen through the color Green...

..which just happens to be my favorite color.. haha.

Season's come and go... Spring arousing emotions of new life... enticing us for the Summer days ahead of warmth and life in full bloom. Fall, in its majesty of colors passing us into cooler days of Winter playing in the snow making angels or building snowmen.

Our life continually full of passing seasons, somehow always seeming to repeat itself containing just enough difference so as not to be an exact repeat of the last. Though I feel like I'm walking in a circle, my circle slowly expands with each new season that passes, just enough that I fall short of dizziness.

Amidst this present season I idly stand by and watch as one of my closest friends mirgrates south, and unfortunately not just for the winter. What does one say... You laugh at the cliche statement; 'You don't realize what you have till it's gone'... and yet it holds so much punch to it that none can deny its wealth of truth. I somewhat mourn the loss of a dear friend as she passes through this winter to her spring season... and I can almost say that literally. I do not mourn the death of the friendship, rather the death of the physical closeness that will prevade another day. So deeply has her life impacted mine that I lay hollow inside mourning the loss of idle chats over tea, or culturally exposing our friends, or laughs and tears of day to day life, and most - the heart to hearts that arise from nowhere and just are, when together. I will miss the part of our friendship that is so treasured in just being with one another.

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People come and go in your life like seasons... each one bringing with them varying degrees of impact. Though I see now - friends remain - regardless of time and distance. I'm honored to have such good friends in my life and pray that I can only leave behind some degree of impact as they leave upon my life. (positive of course - haha)

A new year.. eh?

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Listening and watching all around me various people attempting to make their resolutions of sorts... cynically wondering if they'll see success in those. I'm cynical for I've come to the conclusion that we are lazy people. I'd almost want to go so far to say we are so lazy it almost seems inherent within all mankind.

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Self-reflecting: laziness has both lost me and got me into all sorts of undesirable situations. Laziness within eating rituals has previously caused me to fork out more cash for four sizes of change in figure. Laziness in activity has previously found results of sluggish feelings and hermitting. Laziness in relationship maintaining has ... well, let's just say it's found me in very unhealthy and mournful places.

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However....Laziness - I kick your ass to the curb!

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Lately, with each new day I've found myself slowing down to really do some self-reflecting, analyzing and even attempts at healthier lifestyle changes. I've begun to see new little joys within each day...something I haven't seen in some time. Though the implimenting of change in the beginning seems so difficult - I have to confess I am actually enjoying the results. If only.. well, if only could be ranted for many paragraphs. Let's just say it's been due time. Due time for many changes, however, self-reflecting can leave me almost depressed at the anxiety of all the work ahead. So for now.. I'll use the cliche saying; 'one day at a time'. One foot step at a time... can't run till you learn how to walk... okay I'm done. You get the point.

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This particular new day has found me indulging in a new past-time of sorts.. if you could call it that... haha. Sit down folks cause you won't believe it... I've started a herb garden... Today is the first day I planted... "Lemon Basil" Now if all goes well this is what it'll look like... haha

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Now it's only the beginning of my new herb garden. More will follow in it's path. I'm awaiting paint to dry on my new planter. haha. Tomorrow will come; oregano, mint, and chives... mmm. With the new found joy of cooking of late.. I look forward to our little herb garden and in the summer our real garden.

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"maybe Love just isn't enough"

(You, Me and Dupree)

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First Snowfall...sigh

It's sooo Cold. At least there's nice fluffy white snow though.

Write. Write more. Blog more. I miss your writings. hmmm.... oddly the words of other's echo in me as I stare blankly at this white little box. My rebuttal - What about? I feel like I have nothing to say. Does anyone even read this anyways? To whom do I post the randomness of my mind too and with/for what purpose shall I continue?

Yet, here I am posting more ramblings of my meager little brain...

"What is the world's greatest lie?" -the boy asked. "It's this; that at a certain point in our lives we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie." -Paulo Coelho

K, so that wasn't from my brain... but has been on my brain the past few days. A quote I read in a book that I'm currently reading. To believe that is the world's greatest lie... would that cause you to say then that you are in control of your life? Would that cause you to admit you do not believe then in fate? If you then do not believe in fate - what do you confess to? Being in control of one's own life?

The Christian's first reaction would be of course; "No, God is in control." Then how is it that you feel you are losing control of what's happening to you? Ahh.. because at one point you did actually feel in control of your own life. Right? Or pehaps even you still do. And if you admit it, as a Christian, isn't relinquishing that control to Him one of the hardest things to do?

So we continue to try to control our own lives... yet does it really seem to work? Does it get you anywhere? Yet, relinquishing that control over to Him... does that really seem to work? Has it gotten you anywhere either?

For a God who is supposed to be in control, why does it feel like the world is always spinning out of control? Murders. Chronic Illness's. Loss. Accidents. Heart breaks. Shattered Dreams. Dissappointments. The list could go on. For a God who is seemingly a God of love - why do we feel so unloved, worthless, lonely even. For a God who is seemingly good - why do bad things happen? hmmm...

"Perhaps the perception of who He is as God, is different from the perception of our expectations of who He should be?" "Is it one's desire for God, or one's desire to use God." .... ? .... Tough thought for the sincerely seeking Christian to search one's own heart for that answer.

If this life is a journey, can I take a detour?

Journey; the act of traveling from one place to another.

It seems like all you hear is, "Life is a Journey, not a Destination." A random travelling from one place to another? Or do the events of your life form a child's dot-to-dot... leaving us at the end going... "Oh right, I see. If I only knew then that this was what I was drawing." Only you can see the dots ahead of time, you can picture the lines in your head outlining the very thing you're drawing. So some would take that to be what... prophecy? And if there is none in your life giving you any hint of tomorrow... and you see nothing... but only know there are more dots to be travelled too... ?

If life is a mere journey, why so much focus on 'purpose'? Remember the book; "Purpose Driven Life" that sold millions of copies? Why do you think that was? Ummm.. cause everyone is trying to find their purpose, their reason for exisiting, something to cling onto that says 'this is who you are and what you were created to be/do'.

Hmm.. who we are? Right, I remember the Christian Cliche classics of 'this is who you are in Christ', and you know what, sure I still believe them... kinda have to since it's God's word. Yet, why is it that even in those who attempt to follow His word and take it to heart, you still find so many searching for their purpose? Why is it everytime I look around I see countless individuals with amazing giftings and abilities, and I look at myself and go.. "uhh..was I skipped?"

Did I see myself too big? Did I see myself too small? Were my expectations for this life too much? Or were there not enough?

And now what? What now when all your dreams and desires have crashed themselves into a bottomless pit? Do you go searching for them again? Or do you make another attempt to start over? What if everything you believed you wanted...you now questioned? What if everything you saw yourself as and doing no longer existed? I guess you'd have to admit you were lost... lost along a journey that you're not really even sure where it's going, what's along the road, and even if you want to continue to see what else there is further along.

And what if this journey, is just a random walking in circles? Seeing the same things over and over again, doing the same things over and over again. Regardless of place, locale, or surrounding inviduals. Circumstances continuing to remain the same, regardless of what is said to be the growth developed result... how much more growing can a person do looking at the same picture? Or is it that we just haven't stop to 'get it'. Instead we bang our heads agains the same wall over and over again...

...I dunno...

...?...

Nothing to Say, so look at pictures...

I don't really have a whole lot to say, but I'm being hounded to update...haha. So I figured I'd post some pictures of our newly arranged living room. Haha. It's slowly coming together...bit by bit. We're hoping to be moving into a house in three months.

Nice paint color.. eh? Haha. Not too shabby for a couple girls who've never painted. We'v recently had some new additions to the living room - beautiful new bookcase. I feel so grown-up having books in our living room. haha.

Can't beat these beautiful blue matching couch and loveseat... haha.

See the pretty TV... Thanks Rachel!! Whahoo!!! Gorgeous, just gorgeous!

I just love this corner.. the mirror and chair seem to have so much character to me. I like it!

So this is our living room. It's slowly coming together. More pictures to be posted as we clean the place.. haha. It's a zone at the moment. We just finished somewhat organizing and rearranging the living room.

So there's my new post.

Do you ever feel bombarded with images? Do you ever feel bombarded with pressures to consume more? Everywhere one turns it feels like someone is trying to sell you something? The simplicity of nothing entices me, and yet the reality of joy of toys also tempt me. To live in a need versus want lifestyle is hard. How did Ghandi ever live as he did? The extremist he is inspires me.



It's summertime here! The weather is crazy, one minute it's stinkin' hot and then the next it's literally hailing, then moments later sunny again. haha. Strange to think it's July 1st already. Wow, where has all the time gone. July will be busy for me with a trip back to Saskatchewan to see my sister get married and then followed shortly after with a trip to B.C.

cyn·i·cal (sn-kl)
adj.
1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others: a cynical dismissal of the politician's promise to reform the campaign finance system.
2. Selfishly or callously calculating: showed a cynical disregard for the safety of his troops in his efforts to advance his reputation.
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness: a cynical view of the average voter's intelligence.
4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity: cynical laughter.


Do you not find that we are such cynical people? Why is that? Why is it that we question the motives of people all the time, that we question their intentions, that we are so negative and jaded against people and organizations/communities?

It's a struggle to fight against the cynicism that runs rampant in me at times. Especially towards the church. It's not that I don't value the church, I do. I have too, because I value people, and people are the church, right! It's the organism of the church, the molecular consistency of church, the presupposed notions and ideas that formulate and expedite as a result...that take me to this place of cynicism. As I fight to be true to myself and to others, as I fight to be real and transparent in all areas of my life, as I attempt these facets of my life I often struggle within the organism of church...I struggle with the expectations that it holds.... I struggle with the notions of 'needing' to attain a certain level or status... I struggle not to rebel, but to be true to the consistent journey that I walk... A journey of questions, a journey with many unknown fragments, a journey that leaves me pursuing more then meets the eye.

I long for the corporate times, of the intimacy of community, of similar hearts pursuing similar paths... but that doesn't always come from my weekly visits to a building in propogated forms or instituted formats. The institution itself makes me want to fight, to fight for the normalacy of admitting honestly that it's a struggle to understand what it really looks like to follow after God's heart. I want to fight for the right to struggle, I want to fight for the right to confess we have no clue or idea, that we don't have it all together, that it can't be wrapped up in a three step program or sermon. I want to fight for the idea that we are mere broken people searching after His heart, desiring to walk a life out that reflects His truths, His principles and His love.

There is something sincerely powerful in expediting the principles and truths of His word. Yet, why do we find it so hard to stand on those, to carry that empowerment He's placed within us, to walk out life as though Christ really does live within us, and isn't some foriegn obeject or misplaced supremecy that we have to attain a certain stature in our hearts or life to connect with. The journey of truely being intimate with Him is a struggle, that's okay, we're okay... hence the reason I love to use the word journey. No destination, no presupposed notion that we have to attain some state of being, no ideology that we have to be someone to walk with Him. We can just be who we are as we are, while sincerely pursuing and genuinely seeking His face. In that alone, you can't help but have some transformation of your mind and heart occur....

And to cynicism... the questions are good, but do they hold you back from genuinely freeing yourself to His working amidst and around you? dunno... just some bit of randomness thoughts today...

Random Thoughts....

Tonight I wanna be a rock star...
...my amazing air electric guitar skills should take me far!
...my window cracking vocals should take me to new heights!
...my classic sweat pant attire will definately set trends!

Tonight I wanna be a rock star...
...losing myself in the beats of my own drumming!
...travelling the world abroad to spread a peice of me!
...bringing a temporary escape from reality!

Tonight I wanna be a rock star...
...I just wanna be a rock star, I just wanna be a star, I just wanna be the center of attention really.

BAHAHAHAHA

Bound By Fear?

How is it that this can be so crippling, so defeating, so life-taking...

Fear - as it consumes it destroys all in it's path.

All sound judgments altered...
All perceptions skewed...
All reality jaded...

It is so blinding.

It continues to amaze me how small I see my God. Amidst the realization of this failure to see Him for who He really is, I'm humbled quickly to my knees! "Your God is too small!" is the pounding voice throughout my head. I have made Him too small in my eyes... how is that I can even do that? Again and again, I'm overwhelmed with this sudden realization of His majesty, of His grandeur, of His supremeness, of His power, and more so of His life altering compassion and love for us.

In the moments where these revelations hit me, it almost seems as though I walk four feet above the ground. Nothing seems impossible. Possibilities are limitless. Dreams feel closer then ever. Everything is doable regardless the effort or risk. Risks even seem adventurous. In these moments, it almost seems like nothing could stop me from doing anything in the world. Freedom is experienced at it's fullest.

There are no lies, no doubts, no precautions, nothing. Simply this deep sense of assurance of who He is that seems to make everything else feel tiny and insignificant compared to His hand. To grasp the magnitude of my God is my heart. To know Him as He is, brings with me a fifty foot body guard, a magnificent healer, a loyal friend, an intimate lover, a parent, a teacher, counsellor, a provider of all, ...oh the list is endless. To know Him as He is brings anything and everything I could ever dare to ask for and need.

My God has been made too small... I dare to fight to have His Majesty made known again! If it is even in the little battles of my mind... I will first begin there...conquering fear that holds us all back for one reason or another from the amazing freedom of truth revealed.

Where oh where is this time going and why is it in such a hurry to pass me by? The slower I pace myself, the more I stop to enjoy the little moments of each day, the quicker they seem to disappear... Sigh...

With each passing day I'm finding myself more and more undone. With each passing day I'm finding that I'm understanding even less of God's methods and moving amongst humanity. Just when I think I've got a pretty good handle on how He's 'supposed' to operate, my box is shattered to pieces and I find myself staring dumbfounded at His hand. With each passing day I'm finding myself drawn face down before His Majesty and Holiness. WIth each passing day I feel like a child exploring the world for the first time...

This is the consistent walking pattern of my journey of late. Every where I turn I feel like I'm face to face with yet another preconceived notion or idea or paradigm that needs changing. I have never felt more 'out of control' and so 'free' at the same time. It's almost liberating to be walking again with new eyes... hear not that my beliefs have changed in any way... rather they're just being stretched... I feel as though my eyes are being opened to the amazing depth of His greatness. With each new revelation I'm inspired, encouraged, and liberated!

How is it that for so long I've been able to keep my God contained in the walls of my small little box....? .... I haven't been able too... and thus I'm finally seeing the magnitude of His power in my life and humanity all around. How is it that I've been trying so hard to define all His ways through my meager little brainpower... I haven't been able too... and thus I'm challenged in all areas of my life and thoughts. How is it that I've had any right to put explanation to His moving? Oh my gosh... I have been so arrogant to even think I can explain Him or His ways... How is it that I've missed so many of the joyous moments in life even admist turmoil and stresses of day to day living? No longer... like a child running amuck the world... I run wildly with flailing arms laughing hysterically and feeling full of energy.

What an amazingly HUGE GOD we have! What an amazingly POWERFUL GOD we serve! What an amazingly MERCIFUL AND COMPASSIONATE GOD we're loved by! My heart is so overwhelmed by WHO our GOD is! How incredibly life transforming are His ways!