Another New Page... ?

Check out my other page... if you come by, make sure to leave a message. I'm still debating continuing to blog...

http://waugdai.wordpress.com/

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A new year, with new beginnings...

this is the beginning of a new journey...

a long awaited quest of sorts!

Alrighty, stop you begging and pleading - it's not be fitting you at all (J.)! I'm not sure what to write about really...

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Thoughts of late maybe? Which really entail a broad range of details and emotions. Passions maybe? Which entail of late music - playing and listening... Frustrations perhaps? No, that's just more mad rambling which I'm sure would only find me institutionalized for sure! haha. Daily doings? -snore, wha huh oh ya - ya no!

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I'm wrestling through a season of seperation at the moment and actually enjoying it somewhat. I have always known I'm not really the best for communicating well over long distance - geesh, even short distances. It's so easy to get fumbled up in day to day routines - Wake, eat, work, eat, sleep - repeat. haha. I am still true to my words: "Do what you love and love what you do!" as you will spend more time doing that then anything else in life. In fact I see that the majority of our lives are spent working. Which beckons me to do just that love what you do and do what you love.

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Days of recent have found me seeing that working really must allow for more then that with my time. I'm finding myself realizing that I've let go and allowed ample seperations occur with family and friends - the only true lifelines - work - well there will always be work to meet the ends needed. Of all people I should know to a fault how important relationships are. Yet, though I claim and esteem them with such high regard - I fall so very short of nurturing them. Silly girl - what are you doing and what will you do?

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So of late, I've found myself - even amongst all the tiredness, to push myself out of my hibernating state - to connect with those. Oh my how the list grows lengthy as I realize how many I've let slip through my days. So in part this post is not to post at all...rather to connect in one form with a begging, pleading friend who asks for words... haha.

My life grows fuller with each moment spent with those whom I let slide - yet wow - the work is tremendous - not the time together, but really the timetable adjusting and preparing to go out and treching through the snow...arg... I hate winter - small rant. Cold, blistering windy, icy, ewww... oh how I long for warm weather again!!

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It's been fun, and sad at the same time - as I realize how much I miss those so dear to me and allowed the daily routines of life to seperate us. It delights my heart deeply though that I carry such good friends - that time and distance never changes anything. Even though, much has changed - the hearts that connected didn't.

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Relationships are work - wowzers are they ever - but you chose your battles - you chose to fight for that which is worth fighting for - and relationships are - regardless of how awkward it feels at first to connect - it's so worth it in the end.

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I feel very privelged and like such a shmuck for letting so many grow so distant. I'm starting slow, working hard, to rebuild - retouch - reconnect - to do life a little closer then I have with my family and friends! We can't do this life alone and work seriously as great as it can be - just isn't enough for this gal!

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This is what I find myself passionate about of late... people!

(how's that J?) lya girl!

Beware: this is a rant...

I am far from a trend follower. I am not fashion incompetent, but nor am I a fashion guru. I love style, most often admiring those who really stand out or follow their own sense of creativity through fashion. I understand there are certain environments that lean toward a particular fashion of dress... (I can't say I'd wear jeans to a wedding, or sweats to a graduation.) There are unspoken rules on attire to certain functions and gatherings. Understand! Get it, got it.

However, I ask you this... What woman wants to wear heels? Tell me this... Answer me why must we wear these brutally awful things? And did a man create them?

Uncomfortable: Gawd these things are so uncomfortable! My toes hurt from being pushed by gravity to my toes, where they bunch up and rub with every step.

Purchasing: Not to mention that shopping for heels with a size 3 foot is the most annoying process in the world!! Try finding a pair that does have bows and a six inch wide square heel that looks like they're supporting children! Oh, but if you happen, just happen to find a pair of adults close to your size - finding the right combination of toe jams and insoles to make them fit, especially when you apparently have one foot just a tiny bit smaller then the other - is like going to the dentist (actually maybe worse). Okay, so now we have them on, somewhat fitting right - so we think - and we're off.

Walking in heels: oh my, please don't make me walk...can I just stand in one place and look pretty? Please? Every step is literally like walking on your toes... but if you happen to be a heavy heel walker like myself - well, heaven forbid - watch every step - cracks suck your feet and plant you immovable. Slippage - every four feet, the back of my smaller foot - the heel slides up and down, catching myself so as not to fall or lose the heel completely. Heaven forbid you might have to walk a bit faster or make a sudden move - just not feasable! Plus then there's walking on cement or concrete - why not just follow a trumpet player - announcing my presence or upcoming arrival!

Driving: okay, so my foot slips off the clutch every other push - I'm gonna destroy my transmission! So I move the seat closer thinking that will help - nope! Might as well just sit on the steering wheel! I'm short - and already close enough, but heaven forbid I was to ever get into an accident - I'm so close to the airbag I'd die instantly! Flippin' heels - so I take them off to drive - only having to put them on again to exit the car.

All day my feet beg me...

"PLEASE GIVE US OUR CHUCKS BACK!"

BUT: here's something else... why is it that being in heels makes you feel so sexy. Yep, as much as I absolutely hate the things, even with a pair of jeans on - I feel sexy. I feel like such a 'whoaman!' haha. Odd...and yet, as sad as it is for my baby feet - I will again forlough the chucks for heels at the next function (or interview). sigh... my feet defeated in it's battle for Chucks only. haha.

Reality is the consensus of what people think is right.

Some things are governed by common sense which is a matter of logic.

Society imposes on us a collective way of behaving...

...and people never stop to wonder why they should behave like that,

they just accept it.

Question:

Is wanting to be different a serious illness?

Answer:

It is if you force yourself to be the same as everyone else. It causes neuroses, psychoses, and paranoia. It's a distrotion of nature, it goes against God's lawas, for in all the world's woods and forests, He did not create a single leaf the sanme as another.

(italics: exerpt taken from Veronika Must Die)

(click the picture!)

"I'm going to do the things I wanna do, I don't have a thing to prove to you!"

My stringless thoughts...continued:

Wondering how cutting strings to anyone or anything would radically change the way in which we lived life! What if we really did stop to think about why and what we were doing. What if for a day we stopped to analyze everything we did - questioning why and who says so - attitudes/emotions/actions/habits/ - everything. What if we for a single day lived as though we were unconditionally loved and it didn't matter what we did or said - we'd still be rockstars in their eyes!

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Wondering what it would be like if we really did do more of what we wanna do - without the dreadful emotion of fear. If you could do anything and knew you wouldn't fail, what would you do? What if we changed the way we thought just for a day and walked with absolute confidence we could do anything in the world we set our hands upon or envisioned... What would you do?

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How different our lives would be if we took a moment to ponder 'perceptions' of ourselves, others and God. How different the world would be if we all thought less about ourselves and our weaknesses, and more about God and His truth!

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I continue to ponder this mumbled jumble of random thoughts (or questions)... I'm seeing lifechanging concepts here... ;-)

I'm challenged again with the topic of consumerism and consumption. I have always wanted to be a radicalist in some form; Ghandi, Mother Thereasa, Aung San Suu Kyi - my favorite famous radicalists - mainly because all three were passive aggressive in their methods! ;-) Anyways, back to C&C; I guess I find it personally hard as I struggle to not be a hypcrite - but am always finding myself to be teetering back and forth. I'm not a huge shopper by any means - in fact often try to avoid it at all costs...though there are times (mainly travelling). I'm not really an impulse buyer either - usually takes me three days just to buy a t-shirt. I tend to shop for the best deals and carry the motto "Why pay more when you can pay less?" Yet, my weaknesses are strong: I love technology (though often galaxies behind), I've just recently overcome the incessent need to have the latest new razor (don't ask - haha).

Consumption again: I'm almost tempted to change my blog's description to 'what are you going to do about your consumption?'. I'm challenged again by consumption... Undoubtedly, this has arisen from the recent 'yard work' I've been doing. Every other day, I turn the compost in my backyard - frustrated at it's size and annoyed that I have to crawl 'in' to churn it. Grrrr. The size of our yard and it's maintenance has kept the bin full if not at times overflowing of leaves, grass clippings, weeds, food, etc.

My roomie has an environmental sensitivity that forced me in the beginning to recycle - literally being scorned when she'd pick my recyable items out of the garbage in front of me. So we begun the five bin recycling zone: 1) cardboard & paper 2) plastics 3) tin 4) plastic bottles 5) the worms (for food). Though it felt like I was being forced in the beginning I can say now that it has actually become a choice now for me.

The more I recycle the more I see I consume so much crap! I'm finding myself becoming more conscious of what I purchase and how it's packaged. I'm starting to ask the question 'Do I really need this or just 'want' this. Attempting to consume less goes against every grain of our societal norm. We are pressured from every which direction to buy more, purchase the latest new gadget (which is my weakness - love technology), try the 'new and improved' _____.

Men and women like Ghandi, Mother Thereasa, and Aung San Suu Kyi (the more famouse radicalists), inspire me in their liberation of consumerism. They were neither drawn or influenced by it, they understood the simplicity in minimalism and the freedom it therein allows.

I've begun a new journey to aspire and attain that same simplicity of life. Perhaps not to their degree - haha. I'm starting slow (recycling and resuing where I can), attempting to purchase needs only and being consciencious of my ecological footprint.

I recently read an article on a couple from Toronto - whoa - now there is some racalists in Canada. Her blog is equally, if not more interesting. It's inspired me even more so to cut down, to begin living a more frugal lifestyle. Not only does this benefit you financially but it's a social conscious deal too - good for you & good for the earth.

Baby steps... I remember the first day I moved in with my roomie - her constant nagging drove me crazy! Now I'm the one taking the food scraps out to the compost and harrassing her not to purchase fruit in those plastic baggies...argg.. those thin things drive me insane. I'm starting to carry my bag stocked with a mug, plastic container and shopping bags in the trunk!! I suppose I'm starting to be a conscious consumer really... attempting at less consumption in the process.

I love the below exerpt taken from the book "I Shop therefore I Am". Hope it makes you stop and think a bit too...

- From conspicuous consumption to conscious consumption.

- From brand-consciousness to background-consciousness.

- From synthetic to organic.

- From mass-produced to hand-crafted.

- From global to local.

- From short-term to sustainable.

- From fashionable to durable.

- From valuing things to valuing insights.

- From fitting in/ standing out to being.

- From buying more to buying less.

- From doing more to doing less.

- From multi-tasking to down-shifting.

- From buying to sharing/ exchanging.

- From owning to experiencing.

- From having to giving.

Well here's an update blog of random happenings:

I'm about to wrap up a couple days off... yep, only a couple. Still we remain in staff shortage - though it appears we're not alone, as everywhere I look this seems to be the norm. I'm looking forward to going back to rest...haha... well, rest from the house/yard work.

The yard is coming along amazingly... with no small shortage of hardwork being put into it:

I re-seeded the front lawn, weeded and replanted what was supposed to be a flower garden (1/4 of our back yard!), and then I rototilled the garden, emptied the compost (and refilled it again).
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An amazing guy from saskpower came by to cut the trees out of the powerline. I must've caught him on a good day (Friday's are always good!) as he cut down more then the requirements and helped us cut back almost two whole trees. If you've ever seen our yard, you would know this was no small task!!

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I finished sanding and painting the infamous inherited ugly wooden picnic set and rebuilt the bench chairs! I'm not a fan of the color (redish brown - more red then brown), but they look a thousand times better!

I was able to convince my roomie to dump the junk that she always seems so inclined to hold onto! What a feat! She is even beginning to see a difference with it all gone!

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We were given some sod (for cheap) and we laid half the back yard around the firepit with new grass!!! Oh, it's slowly starting to look like a yard and not a forest. Little by little I work at this gigantic yard!!! Slowly... it's coming together. I'm very excited!!! We're going to do a little bit more (move the trampoline 1that is move the 1x17 foot trampoline, lay a bit more sod around it. That might be it for the backyard as we'll soon be having to start on the bathroom! Oh boy - a week without a toilet and shower is the anticipated time frame!

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I'm having an in-home trial visit with Betsy. Betsy is a 6yr. old white and tan Basset Hound! She came from a family whom needed to say good-bye due to an allergy. The family had three small children (so she's great with kids), but six years is a long time and this could be a difficult transition. So we're trying it out for a few nights while I'm off.

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I'm not sure yet... she's adorable - yes. However, as typical Basset Hounds are - she's a bit overweight. So running with her might just induce a heart attack? She apparently likes grass, as I'm looking over to watch her eat some...hmmm. Odd? Could save on gas for the mower though! Being six years old and another common trait of Basset's is they are very stubborn... already trying to get her to sit is difficult at times. So we'll see... If anything it's already shown me a few things I'd like to do in preparation for a dog: dog run, baby gate to keep her upstairs while away, and a thorough cleaning with some new organizing of areas in the house. So ya... she's staying for a few days anyways...haha.

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I'm also very happy to say that Himey is back (my beetle). She's been fixed and it's all resovled. After much conflict and consulting three different mechanics to ensure it's livelyhood! I missed her and it feels fabulous to have her home. Sigh.

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Soon I'll be preparing to go camping again... can not wait!! We're undecided as to where... we're trying out different locals in relative proximity to us. Which is very unusual for me, as I'm totally an all out Alberta camper!!!

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Alright, so maybe not the most interesting blog, just full of ramblings for now, as I'm not yet finished trying to process all the rest... soon hopefully some clarity will be given.

I have come by here all to frequently only to stare at this blank canvas. Recently inspired to share the randomness of my thoughts from a friends blog;

It continues to amaze me that the more we learn the less we know. Just when you think; "Okay, I've got a handle on this... I get it." Bang - something surely crosses your path and you're left with the realization again of how ignorant you are. Days are passing a little too slowly lately as I walk out this realization and again hunger for more education. Recent days have left me assaulted not only physically but mentally. Raped of all sense of assurance and almost all confidence.

I blame this present season on the arrival of summer. Spring sparks life within... a hunger for more... a stirring to seek out adventure... a sense of urgency to do before the fall quickly returns and I slip into hibernation for winter days.

I scan my 'bucket' list... (things I want to do before I kick the bucket) and grow overwhelmed with where to start. My to do list grows longer every waking moment... my frustration in time restraints continues and I attempt to rebel by hiding my watch in the back of my closet. Yet, within I grow deeply anxious... the desire to live grows stronger with each sunrise. The desire to experience more deepens with each sunset. The moon finds me contemplating the majesty around and pondering where I will find myself next.

I sit here tonight attempting to still myself and seek a deeper awareness of His leading and teaching. Floods of thoughts surrounding my occupation fill my mind recently as I walk out this journey of inner struggle. Struggling between the feelings of superior inadequacy and the notion of how to walk between grace and justice. Where does my role lie between the two... For most of my life I have always had this insane emotion and sensation to fight injustice... yet, how do you fight injustice and exemplify grace and forgiveness simutaneously?

...random bits for today...

Ever had one of these days?

(ya, me neither)

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GO!

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Go on!

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Get gone!

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Gett'er done!

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"Get off your lazy ass and just do something already!"

-my summary.

Where art my first love? Come back to thee...

It doesn't matter what leads people away from God's life. Anything will do, as long as it preoccupies them enough to serve as an adequate substitute for the real thing.

It’s easier to see the problem when the standard is circumcision in Ephesus than when it is Sunday morning attendance in Kingston. But both can lead to the same place—bored and disillusioned believers, no longer embracing Father’s life.

When you realize that the routine you’ve stumbled into is not substantially contributing to your desire to know God better, some incredible things can happen.

Just be real with Father and resist the urges to crawl back into your shell and silently endure lifelessness. Your struggle stems from the call of God’s Spirit to your own. Ask him to forgive you for substituting anything for the power of his love and invite him to show you how your diligent efforts at good works for him may be obscuring his love for you. Let God do the rest. He will draw you to himself.

Won’t it be a joy again to wake up confident about being loved by God every day, without having to earn it by any act of righteousness on your part? That is the secret to first love. Don’t try to earn it. Know that you are accepted and loved, not for what you can do for God, or somehow hoping that you will be worthy of his acceptance, but because his greatest desire is to have you as one of his children. Jesus came to remove any obstacle that would prevent that from happening.

In this kingdom you really do get what you seek. That is the point of the whole thing. If you are looking for a relationship with God you will find it.

If you look at what you’ve ended up with, then you’ll know what you’ve really been seeking!

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(Excerpts from "http://www.jakecolsen.com/JakeStory.pdf")

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Interestingly enough it amazes me how easily distracted we can become. What things and even people can occupy our time. I'm challenged lately with this thought: What is consuming your time? That is what will consume your heart! Oddly and ironically it is this that I find myself most frequently pondering, almost consuming my thoughts.

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My intentions are often well-being. Read, study, meditate and journal. Go to the gym, eat well, and live healthy. Call, write, and visit loved ones. Yet, my intentions remain just that intentions... how is it that I successfully and continually fail at these things? I often start out strong and then plummet. My endurance diminutive.

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I have learned there is but no other option then to get up when you fall! I often fall short of my own expectations, though I am quickening the speed at which I stand to my feet again. Learning to accept forgiveness and grace while attempting to extend it to the same measures I find myself receiving.

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I am finding a new joy within my life, reuniting with a lost loved one, and learning to love again! Love Him, myself, others and Life! It is a most enjoyable and unique experience not without its moments of trials and temptations. Though if you know me well, you know the depth of impact this statement alone means!

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I confess I feel as though I walk as a child at times: almost experiencing everything anew or at least 'differently'. Questions galore of course (some things never change) but with a deep sense of acceptance of the mystery that encompasses all!

The reuion was in sight, moments away in fact. I pulled up with hesitation as I saw her standing at my door. There was no way out now, no excuses to be given, the time had arrived. I wanted to linger a bit longer in the vehicle, unfortunately the beater upon which I'd borrowed left me almost sick from the stench within - facing the stench of my life that had been and would soon be confessed or would it be masked with fake greetings and shallow discussions. Closing the door behind me almost appeared as a metaphor for closing the door on the past and embracing the present and future that stood before me.

Moments later I had almost forgotten how long it had been since we last connected. Hours later it dawned on me how much time had actually passed since our last face to face connection and I sat there oblivious to my facial expression of utter shock. It had felt like yesterday, even through the brief synopsis of years gone by. A few hours later baring the depth of hearts compiled with both seasons of joy and seasons of death... a few revelations hit my soul. Watching her leave the next day, my heart grew heavy with shame for not staying in closer contact, and ironically with a deep sensation of pride. I was proud to call her my friend, I was proud she could call me friend. We were friends regardless of time and circumstances.

I sit here several hours after her departure contemplative...

I have another friend, whom over so many years and so many miles between us, each moment we are actually together feels like a mere continuation of the last. I have always chuckled within at the friendship... I can't say I was overly fond of her upon our first meeting. I can't say we've been given the opportunity to spend any great length together in the same city. I was either away when she was home, or she was away when I was home. Neither of us really phone people, and I - horrible at making contact. Yet still: I am proud to call her my friend and to be known as hers.

One more notable mention of a close friend; often mistaken for a sister. Considered one from both sides. Randomness of crossing paths with quick one-liners and sharp humor based harrassment was the courting of a friendship that I never guess would prevail so strong and long. A friend close with rare seperation of time that can often be the seperation itself of neglecting the heart to heart chats because you pass each other so often. They are the ones that are like mirrors - something all women have a love/hate relationship with. Though, still needed and wanted!

True friends are rare... they are the ones that over miles and years the reuniting actually only feels like moments have passed. They are the ones that at the end of the day you know they stand with you, not beside or behind, but 'with'. They are the ones that on those 'road trips' come back with voices hoarse and callous from singing at the top of your lungs. They are the ones that can make you laugh to tears. They are the ones that you know you can always call regardless of circumstance and time. They are the ones that will mirror your life and call you straight up on what they see. They are true friends whom I have found of late to be the greatest of assests that I possess in my life.

My heart lays heavy today with saddness as the shame and guilt compounds upon each other. I have been an awful friend over the years, so self-consumed, so driven for what I didn't possess and thought I needed and wanted. My heart also ironically battles the saddess with utter aweness of what I realized today I actually have. The tears upon this keyboard are so mixed with both emotions running out of control... realizing how not alone I am in this world with my God and the treasures He's really given me.

This has become my canvas of a medium I ascribe no skill to, only a fondess and aspiration for. An artist by no means, but a student only therein. A student who finds her passion growing daily for and not afraid to confess it so.


I continue scribe here in this cyberspace - often finding myself transporting these very words to my journal. The keyboard my pen. This screen my paper. Though there is something remarkably beautiful about physically writing on paper - holding a pen delicately within grasp, caressing the texture of paper it crosses... there is also something to clicking out words almost as fast as they come to mind that seems easier.

I dare to confess that this cyberspace attempt has become a lone journal. I often find myself perusing the sight, but with lack of inspiration or motivation to leave any typed words. Today I read a secret that said "I stopped painting the day you stopped loving me." underneath it an anonymous writer left: "Paint your heartache." Good words anonymous one. "Paint your heartache."

Though I find I am no painter at all, nor come close to even ascribing to be one. I find similarity between the thoughts regarding writing. Writing is something that's precious to me and I find it so delicately connected to my heart. More often then not it is the connection between my spirit and my pen, when one fails to maintain it's part so does the other. When my spirit is dry my pen needs refilling as well.

I confess the writing does not always cease as a result of my spirit, rather some times the simplicity of the busyness of life itself. Though these days my heart and spirit lay sombre and heavy... I need to refill my pen to find motivation to refill the rest.
This was good, ye not by any scholarship standards, but from a mere perspective of processing. Often where people lack I find no lack of paper to listen to my hearts ramblings and musings.

Golden Gate Bridge

(San Francisco)

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An old building on the island of Alcatraz

(San Francisco)

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I love doors... They seem to have so much character. I love character. In buildings, in people... character is intriguing to me.

I wonder what's behind these doors? What 'was' behind this door? (on the left) If the walls could talk, what stories would they choose to share. I want to enter these doors. my curiousity is almost unbearing... I stand staring at them, wondering... what is behind you. The very nature of me loves to explore... I long to explore the depths of the character you hold.

Trying hard to live out my new philosophy of no evaluations/assumptions. In a sense it is almost as though I am teaching myself to be still, listen, observe, ask questions, learn, yes - explore...

...all these thoughts run through my mind

as I stare smirking at these doors

that hold so much character.

"I Love You"

Bratsa Bonifacho

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You - are you.

I - am mee.

You and I - we are so different.

You and I - we really are the same.

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We are from the same suit, both hearts. Yet, you and I are not the same heart. Our souls longings inately the same. Yet, how is it that you and I are so different. We are the same in so many ways - you and I. Yet you aren't me, nor am I you. Amusingly so. Yet who you are inside, that make-up of inner life desires - is very much who the same as I.

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So how is it you have no tolerance for me? How is it I can not seem to understand you. Our battles exist, but strip away your evaluations, your judgements, your preconcieved ideas and STOP. Listen, really hear, see don't view, stop doing just be. And you will see we are very much indeed the same.

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The mystery of man, very much like the mystery of God. Neither can I grasp understanding, but somehow find solace in the mystery. I love you... another mystery unable to be understood - just felt.

(Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco, taken by moi!)

Inspiration can be seen in bridges. What a better analogy of "standing in the gap" then an image of a bridge. What does it really mean to stand in the gap? I ponder this thought lately, as I feel surrounded by circumstances that have really become opportunities to do just that. I work in a field that daily I am challenged to do just this. I am in a community where doing life together finds this a natural occurance. Yet, the natural association of standing in the gap constitutes prayer, it also requires action. That action is sometimes doing something, and other times it is doing nothing.

I find a growing inner awareness of this longing to be a bridge, to be one who stands in the gap, to offer what and who I am as an extension to something more. My words fall short this evening as I try to communicate this new longing...

My God is Green... Mee thinks.

Why is green... green? Why not red or black? Where did these color names even derive from? Regardless... The color green is GREEN... It just is, and is accepted universally. So why is it that God is God, and yet we can not seem to accept that?

Why is it that we attempt over and over again to define Him? Why do we attempt to contain Him within borders drawn with such permanent markers? Or within walls of such hardened cement? Why do we try to put our own clothing on Him and try so hard to tightly pack Him into our little boxes?

How is it that we dare to confess to know this God? and yet tomorrow will find ourselves making contradictory statements to held opinions on varying matters of His matters and ways? Why is it that we make such bold and profound statements regarding our belief system and will hold to it regardless of proven true or not? Fighting to hold onto preconceived notions and ideas of past? What is so scary about the revelation of truths?

These questions make me think of the color Green. Sure the color green is made up of varying mixtures of yellow and blue, however, regardless the shade... it remains green. So too is the Being of God... God is God... though very much made up of varying characteristics and virtues. We confess to know this God, and perhaps a better confession would be to say we are getting to know God or we know aspects of God.

We attempt over and over again to define Him emphasizing certain subcategories in which only creates borders and walls. Borders and walls... that in time... the earnest heart will find those preconceived ideas and notions shattering. Yet, the shattering of those pieces should bring a sense of liberation and freedom... knowing within that there is so much more to learn and know, that maybe He is just that Grande and Divine.

There is this mystery surrounding God and I wonder if we'll ever fully know or understand all of who God is. Accepting the mystery of God brings almost a sense of relief; that He is just that Grande that man alone cannot even contain Him within borders, walls or boxes. That maybe its not about all these rules and regulations and living up to expectations... that maybe its just the exploration and being real (honest, vulnerable and willing to allow change) with what truths are revealed amidst it all.

I'm reminded of a favorite quote of mine;
"My aim is not to be consistent with my previous statement on a given question, but to be consistent with the truth as it may present itself to me at a given moment. The result is that I have grown from truth to truth..." (Gandhi)

Maybe its time to just be... throwing out preconceived notions or ideas, erase the boreder, tear down the walls, destroy the box... maybe there something we haven't 'got' that is by far more beautiful then trying to live within these parameters we want in an attempt to create peace, safety and happiness.

In the midst of being - destroying the boundaries that are in reality keeping us bound from fully experiencing life. In the midst of being - opening our minds, eyes and hearts to the possibilities of change. In the midst of being - accepting that life wasn't necessarily meant to be full of happiness that in fact; Happiness is not Joy.

Maybe its time to live Green.... accepting it for Green, but knowing that there is so much more to it then we'll ever really see. Today this God I genuinely and soul wrenching am desperate to know is seen through the color Green...

..which just happens to be my favorite color.. haha.

Season's come and go... Spring arousing emotions of new life... enticing us for the Summer days ahead of warmth and life in full bloom. Fall, in its majesty of colors passing us into cooler days of Winter playing in the snow making angels or building snowmen.

Our life continually full of passing seasons, somehow always seeming to repeat itself containing just enough difference so as not to be an exact repeat of the last. Though I feel like I'm walking in a circle, my circle slowly expands with each new season that passes, just enough that I fall short of dizziness.

Amidst this present season I idly stand by and watch as one of my closest friends mirgrates south, and unfortunately not just for the winter. What does one say... You laugh at the cliche statement; 'You don't realize what you have till it's gone'... and yet it holds so much punch to it that none can deny its wealth of truth. I somewhat mourn the loss of a dear friend as she passes through this winter to her spring season... and I can almost say that literally. I do not mourn the death of the friendship, rather the death of the physical closeness that will prevade another day. So deeply has her life impacted mine that I lay hollow inside mourning the loss of idle chats over tea, or culturally exposing our friends, or laughs and tears of day to day life, and most - the heart to hearts that arise from nowhere and just are, when together. I will miss the part of our friendship that is so treasured in just being with one another.

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People come and go in your life like seasons... each one bringing with them varying degrees of impact. Though I see now - friends remain - regardless of time and distance. I'm honored to have such good friends in my life and pray that I can only leave behind some degree of impact as they leave upon my life. (positive of course - haha)

A new year.. eh?

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Listening and watching all around me various people attempting to make their resolutions of sorts... cynically wondering if they'll see success in those. I'm cynical for I've come to the conclusion that we are lazy people. I'd almost want to go so far to say we are so lazy it almost seems inherent within all mankind.

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Self-reflecting: laziness has both lost me and got me into all sorts of undesirable situations. Laziness within eating rituals has previously caused me to fork out more cash for four sizes of change in figure. Laziness in activity has previously found results of sluggish feelings and hermitting. Laziness in relationship maintaining has ... well, let's just say it's found me in very unhealthy and mournful places.

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However....Laziness - I kick your ass to the curb!

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Lately, with each new day I've found myself slowing down to really do some self-reflecting, analyzing and even attempts at healthier lifestyle changes. I've begun to see new little joys within each day...something I haven't seen in some time. Though the implimenting of change in the beginning seems so difficult - I have to confess I am actually enjoying the results. If only.. well, if only could be ranted for many paragraphs. Let's just say it's been due time. Due time for many changes, however, self-reflecting can leave me almost depressed at the anxiety of all the work ahead. So for now.. I'll use the cliche saying; 'one day at a time'. One foot step at a time... can't run till you learn how to walk... okay I'm done. You get the point.

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This particular new day has found me indulging in a new past-time of sorts.. if you could call it that... haha. Sit down folks cause you won't believe it... I've started a herb garden... Today is the first day I planted... "Lemon Basil" Now if all goes well this is what it'll look like... haha

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Now it's only the beginning of my new herb garden. More will follow in it's path. I'm awaiting paint to dry on my new planter. haha. Tomorrow will come; oregano, mint, and chives... mmm. With the new found joy of cooking of late.. I look forward to our little herb garden and in the summer our real garden.

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"maybe Love just isn't enough"

(You, Me and Dupree)

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First Snowfall...sigh

It's sooo Cold. At least there's nice fluffy white snow though.

Write. Write more. Blog more. I miss your writings. hmmm.... oddly the words of other's echo in me as I stare blankly at this white little box. My rebuttal - What about? I feel like I have nothing to say. Does anyone even read this anyways? To whom do I post the randomness of my mind too and with/for what purpose shall I continue?

Yet, here I am posting more ramblings of my meager little brain...

"What is the world's greatest lie?" -the boy asked. "It's this; that at a certain point in our lives we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie." -Paulo Coelho

K, so that wasn't from my brain... but has been on my brain the past few days. A quote I read in a book that I'm currently reading. To believe that is the world's greatest lie... would that cause you to say then that you are in control of your life? Would that cause you to admit you do not believe then in fate? If you then do not believe in fate - what do you confess to? Being in control of one's own life?

The Christian's first reaction would be of course; "No, God is in control." Then how is it that you feel you are losing control of what's happening to you? Ahh.. because at one point you did actually feel in control of your own life. Right? Or pehaps even you still do. And if you admit it, as a Christian, isn't relinquishing that control to Him one of the hardest things to do?

So we continue to try to control our own lives... yet does it really seem to work? Does it get you anywhere? Yet, relinquishing that control over to Him... does that really seem to work? Has it gotten you anywhere either?

For a God who is supposed to be in control, why does it feel like the world is always spinning out of control? Murders. Chronic Illness's. Loss. Accidents. Heart breaks. Shattered Dreams. Dissappointments. The list could go on. For a God who is seemingly a God of love - why do we feel so unloved, worthless, lonely even. For a God who is seemingly good - why do bad things happen? hmmm...

"Perhaps the perception of who He is as God, is different from the perception of our expectations of who He should be?" "Is it one's desire for God, or one's desire to use God." .... ? .... Tough thought for the sincerely seeking Christian to search one's own heart for that answer.